Learn to fly; like a firefly; when you take accontability. PERSONAL INVENTORY

 Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing; no one to blame.

    It is so easy to point the finger at someone else if our plans don't work out. For example:

" I would have been more successful, but the economy was slow this year." 

"Well that sounds nice, but my therapist says that I should avoid too much stress." 

"I wanted to do that, but my husband didn't like the idea." 

    What a frightening prospect it is to take your life into your own hands, to decide whether or not you will accept full responsibility for all of your actions and choices. What an amazing - and sometimes terrifying - freedom complete responsibility for your actions brings!! We all make mistakes. Sometimes we stumble and fall. But OH - the feeling when you finally get it right! When you decide to take that step and it works. Them your doubts cause you to ask the universe for signs that you're on the right path - and the universe provides. Ask and you shall receive! But when you receive it, you need to acknowledge it, accept it and apply the knowledge. Use the tools given to you. After all, you asked for them. You bring about what you think about. That's when you discover that those fragile butterfly wings on your back are not just there for ornamentation. You can fly!

    Own your power! Take charge of your life! With so many tragic things that are out of our control...control what you can. Take responsibility for your actions. This will heal your toxic shame. 

    Ultimately, no one chooses what you will do - but YOU. Enjoy the freedom - you've had it all along,!

"Spirit, help me take complete responsibility for my own actions. Give me the guidance, and power, to steer my own course according to the dictates of my heart and my conscience."

I'd like to share a piece of my book. It's called, "Letter to Panda. " Then i'l share how my story changed when I took accountability for my misguided survivor mode behaviors of FIGHT OR FLIGHT and FREEZE OR FAWN. A common symptom of CPTSD. 

    This was a letter I wrote to my cousin in jail, who got out this week. However, i discovered he never got the letter because he was transferred to another prison. He's out now. Panda, if you're reading this...My last letter was:

Letter to Panda  

Hey Panda!

I’m sorry communication has been lacking! Life has been pretty intense. My stalker found me. I reported him to the Vermont court and District Attorney. He had an arraignment and he was released on conditions no different than the ones placed in the original restraining order!!!

So I booked it to a friend's place in New Baltimore, Michigan. 23 Mile. Near 8 mile. Detroit. Man was that a traumatic four weeks! Friend failed to tell me he lives with his Oma. And also neglected to tell Oma I was coming!! DOUCHE. So, scared as fuck, I went on craigslist and found a room for rent 8 miles away in Macomb County, Michigan. It was an old man, Brooklyn Bob. He was 60 or 70. His wife had died and he had prostate cancer. He had a room for rent in exchange for housekeeping and meal preparations. It was in a nice, ritzy area and it seemed to be the perfect opportunity considering I was homeless in a strange, dangerous city and knew no one. Dude smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Light 100’s a day, He drank bud light until 2am every damn night. He constantly spoke political nonsense that meant nothing to me and made my ears bleed in disgust. He was tall and had slicked back white hair and always wore black button up long sleeved, collared shirts and jeans. He had a new york accent and spent the entire day in his office where he smoked, watched the news regarding the election, drank and looked at tits on his computer. 

He started with the nasty comments about my mesmerizing eyes , my toned legs for days, golden tits and hot bod. Then he began touching my tits and ass when I walked by. He asked to see my nipples and told me there was a no bra rule in the house. The way he spoke to me was disgusting. I began to be triggered by a memory from my childhood. I was ten or eleven. I’m honestly not really sure. I could have been younger. Mom and Danny had just split up. Danny had discovered my mother had been lying to us all about having cancer. She was really just anorexic and hooked on pills. She was also an alcoholic and the reason the island of maui was hooked on opiates. We were homeless. Danny kicked her out. Which meant I was kicked out too. Danny was a drunk and a wreck. Jaime had run off to stay with friends of hers. She was popular. She had people. I did not. I had mom. I imagine i wanted to stay with Danny, however at that time i didn’t know what was going on. I loved my mom. Maybe she didn’t want me to stay with Danny. Maybe Danny didn’t want me. I don’t know. 

Danny was my best friend. And I was his Boogie. I was mom's Happily Natalie.  Mom did bring me to see him once. She told me to take the school bus to Pohailani, have dinner with Danny and she would pick me up at the bus stop tomorrow after school. Well, I sat there with Danny eating chef boyardee ravioli and watched a Celtics game. Danny loved the Celtics. He was from Watertown, Massachusetts. He was so sad. He tried so hard to hold back his tears. He then began to have an alcoholic seizure. We were alone. I didn’t hesitate. I laid him on his side and bolted through the neighborhood screaming for any neighbor to hear me. I believe I reached Paul Anka. My childhood best friend, Justen’s dad. My memory of the rest of that night is black. I remember being at school the next day. Side note - Paul used to tell my mother, “Natalie does not simply walk. She positively frolics!” I wasn’t frolicking that night. I was running. 

When school got out, I took the school bus to Pohailani to wait for mom. I did this for days. I have no idea how many.  I have no idea where I stayed. I just remember her showing up one day at the beach across the street from Pohailani. You’d think she'd have known about Danny. You’d think she’d have come with food. No. She said , “Hey honey, we have a home, let's go!”

We went north. To a little hawaiian valley named Kahakalkoa. It rained there daily. The nights were cold and there were thunder and lightning storms every night I can remember. It was dark and eerie. This was not like my little neighborhood in Kahana. We pulled off the wet, rocky, dirt road onto a piece of land that was near the cliffs to the ocean. There was a tiny little shack. Old man Sonny also had about 200 stray cats. Oh, and an old beaten up abandoned school bus - aka - mom’s new apartment. In her book, she describes this bus. “Rustic didn’t come close to describing this place. It had no running water, no bathroom, no electricity, dirty mildewed futons to sleep on and holes in the floors everywhere.” Hey, it was $50 a month. Mom says, “ It was so faded from the sun you couldn't tell it used to be yellow. It had busted windows, no door, filthy grimey windows and smelled terrible.” Need I say more?

Mom tucked me into bed. I remember her telling me she was going somewhere. “But it’s okay.” Old man Sonny would watch over me. Oh he sure did. I remember his short, old, phillipino silhouette in the darkness of the night. His right cheek bone stuck out wicked, it was broken or something. I remember him hovering over me whispering, “it’s okay,” as he slowly pulled my blankets off of me. I felt them uncover my chest, then my belly, then my legs, and my feet. I remember him breathing on me and pulling my shorts down. I remember him touching me. Then, blackout. Neither did I. Until Michigan. 

Brooklyn Bob . He climbed into my bed when I was sleeping. I woke to his fingers inside me. Two of them. In two inappropriate places. His beer smelled slobber licking my neck and whispering in my ear. “You gotta give it to me sometime.” I threw him off of me and said, “No, I don’t want to. Stop.” He slurred, “Fuck you.” and left the room. I slept in fear for two more nights. I bought a one way ticket to Portland, Maine and said goodbye to Michigan. I will NEVER go back there. 

So here I sit in Freedom, New Hampshire. It’s the last town in New Hampshire on the border of Maine. I’m about two hours from my kids. I’m living with my friend Zachariah and his 17 year old daughter Abbie. She’s a little dark and twisty but she’s a sweetheart and we’re bonding. So here I sit, building my art webpage, being creative, sketching, painting, blogging, book writing and working on a journey to self discovery and healing. I am mostly happy. I am working hard on acceptance, knowing my worth, owning my power and letting go of Keith Falman. I yearn for love and passion. I yearn for happiness. I have faith I will have all of these things. 

“I wish I could wake up with amnesia so i could forget about the stupid little things.”

“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.”

“We cannot become what we want by remaining what they are.” 

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. Do the thing you think you can not do.” 

In this letter, I placed blame. I was in a dark place - in survivor mode, in flight response - RUNNING. In this letter you read about some traumatic shit. I learned the appreciation of home. New England. My friends I missed dearly. What was I thinking? I thought i'd take a job for the winter to rebuild my life and come back to fight for my kids. I was not stabalized with my medication, I had stopped therapy that I had been doing weekly for months I surpressed my emotions. I told myself and everyone around me that it was HIS fault. My stalker. I feared for my life, I didn't feel safe. Thing is, i belived the stories I created in my head. I didn't know this at the time. I was a mess. I had just been abandoned by what I called my "BIG LOVE." I destroyed my relationship with my best friend(stalker) - who had my back no matter what. I was in the process of coming off of Welbutrin and Paxil. If you look up the process of coming off these meds, you will see that the side effects cause severe mental instability. All the while, I was starting a new medication - Venlafaxine. Mind you, I was terrified of this medication. My ex took this. When not taken in a consistent, routine manner - along with alcohol abuse - this man beat me. Shit. 

As I've gone through therapy and started my healing process - i realized the blame, those flame throwers, that i had placed in an unhealthy, irrational manner. I told myself I was leaving for my safety; that i couldn't heal here anymore and I needed to leave for a while. You reap what you sow. Michigan SUCKED. But brought me friendship, clarity and gratitude. I am home. I didn't leave because of my stalker. He wasn't completely innocent in the matters, but I was a mental mind fuck, not in the right state of mind and acted out of anger, impulse and brattiness. I am stubborn. Very. Then when I make those decisions - bad ones - I find a way to justify it in my head - literally manipulating myself - so that I feel OK with the choices I made. Truth is, I was struggling from addiction and a broke heart. I saw pain everywhere I went. So i blamed Justin. This caused issues getting my parenting time as well. So since I've been home, i have spent literally every day working on healing. I see a therapist weekly, I see a spiritual healer, and I self teach. I refuse to be anything less than the very best version of myself. For my babies. For me. I had to literally want to change who i was. It's not an easy process. It's like this - you're hitting yourself on the head with a hammer over and over and over - literally living the definition of insanity. You can make the choice to take the hammer away - but the wound is still there. Medication is not an end all be all or permanent magic fix it pill. It helps, but is just a band aid. There's so much more work you can do on yourself to enhance the quality of your healing. And it's so worth it. I'm coming for you my babies - because mommy finally has nothing to lose, no obstacles. No toxicity. Just a heart full of love and an eagerness to share it. 

Mahalo :)

Stop throwing blame around

     There are two kinds of people in the world, There are the ones who blame other people for everything that happens. And there are the ones who blame themselves. 

    Have you ever watched a movie where one of the actors was a flame thrower? Instead, call it the blame thrower. It's a lit torch of fiery rage that we throw at each others or ourselves when situations don't work out the way we planned. 

    Blaming can be a healthy stage of grieving or letting go. But staying too long in this stage can be unproductive. It can keep us from taking constructive action. Blaming ourselves too long can turn into self-contempt, blaming others can keep us heavy and dark with resentments, and fuel the victim within.

    If you're going through a loss, or if life has twisted on you, pick up your blame thrower - in the privacy of your own journal. Give yourself ten or twenty miniutes to blame without censorship. Get it out. Write out everything you want to say, whether you're throwing balme at someone else or at yourself. 

"Spirit, help me search myself to see if i'm holding on to blame for myself or someone else. If I am, help me get it out in the open , then help me let it go. "

Take a back road

     Adventures don't begin until you get into the forest. That first step in an act of faith. 

Sometimes, we find the biggest advdentures when we deviate from the map and drive through the gate into new territory just to see where it goes. 

Remember that you don't have to follow the map all the time. Give me the spirit of adventure. Bring a little whoo hoo into your life. Say whoo hoo wherever you are. 

Sometimes the most ridiculous thing can be a chance for a mini whoo hoo. Learn to rappel in the moonlight on the beach. Jump off the cliff into the ocean, float down the river, play in the snow. 

Be open to new experiences in your life.. If it isn't life threatening, maybe it's ok, even if i'ts a litte odd. Don't be afraid to be ridiculous, look a little "uncool" even let out an aaaaaah now and then.

Have you had a whoo hoo lately? Have you got one on your list? Or maybe in your garage? Put on some roller blades and be a fruit booter. Buy a kayak, go slegging. Order something new off the menu. Take a different road. Find the whoo hoo, then carry it with you into your ordinary world and let it lighten your spirit. 

Whoohoos are the moments we'll remember all our lives. 

Remember how to play

 We dont stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing. - Hebert Spencer

My hanai auntie Bennita(Hanai means "out of respect, not blood", used to pick me up from preschool and ask me, "Natalie, how come you ared SO dirty and the other kids are not?" 

I replied , " Because the other kids don't know how to play!" with a giggle. 

My nickname as a child was Happily Natalie. My step dad, Danny called me Boogie because I was always dancing and goofing around and climbing trees and swimming until my blonde hair was yellow from the pool or my skin was covered in salt from the ocean. Our neighbor Paul, one of the neighborhood dads, once said, "Natalie doesn't walk, she positively frolics." I used to spin around in circles until i was dizzy. I jumped off clifs into the ocean and rolled down grass hills in a sleeping bag and fruit booted down huge hills in California. (Fruit booting = rollerblading. I ran across the highway to go explore the pinneapple fields. 

This was before trauma sucked the life out of me. I forgo who i was and molded myself into who everyone else wanted me to be. 

We can play or we can not  play. It doesn't make any difference on e way or another, except that at the end, you will have had a much more enjoyable time if you did. 

Start having some fun!

Example of an Emotional Flashback

     My ex and I were driving home from an amazing trip up north where we'd go off grid for a couple days. 

The day we were to head home, I wanted to leave early in the morning. My ADHD meds, Adderall had been filled at the pharmacy. I had been off it for 3 weeks because the last script, he flushed down the toilet. He said he would not have emphetamines in his house. (Never felt like MY home). 

    Side note - last time i saw him, he had snorted adderall and offered me some. Hypocrite?

   Anyway, he was mad i wanted to elave camp early. He was purposely stalling to punish me because he didn't want me on this medication due to an addictive past. But this was to help me, I was finally diagnosed after years and years of struggling. 

    He was so mean to me on the ride home. "You happy now, you got your fix you fucking fene. You stupid bitch, it's all you care about!" He was screaming at me so hard I watched his face turn red. His eyes were so dark. He really meant these things he said. He had no remorse or compassion for my tears and i began to have a panic attack. I was shaking, crying, my focus and reality went to a dark place. I begged him to stop. To pull the truck over. I was in such a panic, i attempted to jump out of the moving vehicle. This moment gave me an emotional flashback. I thought back to my previous relationship in which I was screamed at when he was drunk. He suffered from depression and anxiety. He was a pathological "skate around the truther." He was not consistent with his meds and when he drank, he flipped a switch. It wasn't until he beat the shit out of me that I left. I also flashed back to when my kids father would scream at me. This man, told me he hopes I end up with someone who beat the shit out of me. Well....I did. 

    The most unmemorable part of this emotional flashback was the yelling. It felt like a fierce hot wind. I felt like I was being blown away - like my insides were being blown out, as a flame on a candle is being blown out. 

    Months later, I learned about auras. I flashed back to this and felt like my aura had been completely stripped from me. 

    At the time itself, I felt completely disoriented, unable to speak, respond or even think. I felt terrified, shakey and very small. Somehow, I finally managed to make my way out the door and get out of the house where I eventually slowly pulled myself together. I had to leave a man I was in love with. Or so I thought that was love. I focused on the good and ignored the bad. 

    It has taken me months,  to figure out that this confusing and disturbing phenomenon was an intense emotional flashback. I have come to understand the nature of this type of regression. I realized it was a flashback to the hundreds of times me mother, in full homicidal visage, blasted me with her drug using, alchoholic in full homicidal visage, blasted me with her rage into terror, shame, dissociation and helplessness. 

    Emotional flashbacks are also accompanied by intense arousals of the fight/flight instinct, along with hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system; the half of the nervous system that controls arousal and activation. When fear is the dominant emotion in a flashback the person feels extremely anxious, panicky or even suicidal. Luckily I have never had suicidal ideations. But it's common in people with cptsd. When despair predominates, a sense of profoud numbness, paralysis and desperation to hide may occur. I'll discuss my trip to Michigan later. TERRIBLE. Running doesn't make kthe pain go away. It will follow you, until you deal with it. 

    A sense of feeling small, young, fragile, powerless and helpless is also comonly experienced in an emotional flashback, and all symptoms are typically overlaid with humiliating and crushing TOXIC SHAME. 

Letting people be there for you - LET JOY IN!

     In letting go of fear, you are able to feel the wonder and excitement of a new experience. In our every day lives, there are times when we are frightened, times when we need a friend to give us courage and times when we can be a friend giving courage to someone else. This happens when you have a good support system. I'm grateful for my inner circle. They encoueage me to keep going, as do my children. 

    Be grateful for those who have helped you find strength. Be grateful for the times when you have helped your friends find courage of their own. Both sides of the coin are winners, and sometimes, experience is sweetest when shared. 

    " help me reack out my hand in friendship and strength to those i meet along the was. And when i'm scared, help me give up my pride and ask a friend to stand by my side." 

    JOY is your destiny. Let joy in. I am still working on this myself. It is only after the fall that we can learn the contrast between joy and sorrow and truly learn what joy is. More than the absense of sorrow, it is the embrace of life in all its turmoil. To live joyously means living in full awareness of how impermanent each life on earth is - how precious each moment , each conversation, each sunrise is. 

    Each day is the beginning of another new adventure, another opportunity to take a chance and live life to its fullest. 

    Look around you, look within you. Find the joy in your world. Be grateful. 

    After all, that's why you're here. 

    "Spirit, help me find and create true joy and peace in my world."

Toxic shame - CPTSD

 

11 signs you are suffering from Toxic Shame:

• Self loathing and low self esteem
• Self Martytdom amd self victimization
• Feelings of being a fraud or phony
• Dysfunctional relationships with others
• Self sabotage
• Feelings of chronic unworthiness
• Frequently feeling a sense of irrational guilt
• Addictive tendencies
• People pleasing
• An angry or defensive persona
• Perfectionism

Shame typically comes up when you look inward with a critical eye and evaluate yourself harshly, often for things you have little control over.

This negative self-evaluation often has its roots in messages you’ve received from others, especially during your childhood. When parents or teachers criticized you, rather than any poor behavior choices you may have made, they planted the seed of shame.

Shame centers on your very identity as a person, and it becomes particularly toxic when it starts to impact your sense of self.

Toxic shame opens the door to anger, self-disgust, and other less-than-desirable feelings. It can make you feel small and worthless. It can trickle into your inner dialogue like a poison, locking you into a painful loop of negative self-talk.

When toxic shame lingers without resolution, the desire to hide from it or escape from yourself can lead to potentially harmful behaviors like substance misuse or self-harm.

NORMAL vs TOXIC SHAME

Pretty much everyone experiences shame, though some people experience it more frequently or intensely than others.

Shame often has a cultural component. It can help maintain social norms by reinforcing the idea that certain behaviors can harm others and have a negative impact on society. If you engage in — or even have thoughts about — these potentially harmful actions, you might feel shame.

But when does normal, run-of-the-mill shame become truly toxic? It’s complicated.

SHAME vs GUILT

Say you got caught teasing a classmate in elementary school and your parents sharply scolded, “You should be ashamed of how you treated them.”

Their criticism inspired guilty feelings: You regretted your actions and wanted to make up for your shameful behavior to earn their approval once again.

To understand how shame can become toxic, let’s take a step back to explore the difference between shame and guilt, two self-conscious emotions often confused with each other.

Guilt relates to specific actions, such as:

• making a mistake
• doing something you know you shouldn’t
• causing harm to another person, intentionally or otherwise

People often find it easier to discuss guilt, perhaps in part because guilt implies remorse. It may feel more natural to talk about a wrongdoing when you regret it and want to repair any damage you’ve caused.

Like guilt, shame can promote behavior change, since disappointment with yourself can prevent you from making a similar mistake. But shame relates to your sense of self, and it can cut deeper, so these feelings can linger long after you’ve apologized or made amends.

Toxic shame refers to shame that sticks around and starts to contaminate the way you see yourself.

You're not alone - CPTSD

    There are places in out live that we're called to go alone. People can surround us, call us and offer support. But the journey we're about to take is soley and uniquely ours, and ours alone. 

    Slowly, as we walk this path that life has thrust us on, we begin to see the outline of a few faces - way out in the distance, waving to us, cheering us on. As we continue along the path, the faces and forms fill in. Before long, we see that we're in the midst of a large, large group. Where did all htese people come from? We wonder. I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE.

    No matter what path you're on, others have walked it before you, and some will follow you there. Each step you take is uniquely yours, but you are never, never alone. 

   While many experieces are isolated and uniquely ours, we're simultaneously part of a collective force. What we go through and what we do matters. Sometimes much more than we know. 

    So lets revisit discussion about CPTSD. 

I'd like to start with the definition of CPTSD.

    CPTSD is a more severe form of post traumatic stress disorder. It is outlined from this better known trauma syndrom by five of it's most troublesome symtoms:

• Emotional Flashbacks
• Toxic-Shame
• Self-abandonment
• A viscious inner critic
• Social Anxiety        

I have emotional flashbacks of many kinds. Sometimes its a smell, a song, an item, a nightmare. Then suddenly this stream of lightbulbs go off and vivid memories and flashbacks appear. 

       Emotional flashbacks are the most intense, most noticeable charachteristics of cptsd. Survivors...victims of traumatizing abandonment are extremely susceptability to painful emotionsl flashbacks, which unlike ptsd do not typically have a visual component. 

    These are sudden, unexpected and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling. States of being abused

    I give myself daily reminders and affirmations that I write on an index card and have taped to my closet wall. They help me retrigger my brain when these emotional flashbacks put my mind in a foggy place. I hope they help for you to. 

    YOUR BRAIN ON TRAUMA:

• Suspicious and untrusting
• negative and pessimistic
• addictive
• self sabotaging
• scattered and distracted
• demotivated and drained of energy
• self critical
• judgemental of yourself and others
• emotionally cut off

REMIND YOURSELF:

This is not who you are!

This is not who you want to be!

Retrain your mind!

Take personal inventory!

Meditate!

Grieve and let go!

NEVERTHELESS, PERSIST!

GRIEF - is just love with no plalce to go...

     Grief feels a lot like fear. It's like you're not afraid, but you have familiar sensations of being afraid.  Some of these sensations are the fluttering in your stomach, the lump in your throat, the restlessness. 

It's impossible to prepare for intense grief. This pain shatters a heart and a life. It destroys your mental, physical and emotional health. We don't have some magical life coach to guide us in the right direction of our own heart. Those who could, who knew exactly how it felt, who could describe in detail, wouldn't do it, would not presume to intrude on this most intimate part of our relationship with the people we love. Those who casually ask, " Aren't you over that yet?" clearly don't understand. And it's ok, you don't need them to understand. This is your battle you're fighting. 

    This is what I know about grief - If there was ever a second, or a moment when you suspected or knew you had been betrayed at the deepest level by someone you adored, and a splintering pain began to shred your heart, turn your world grimly unbearable to the point where you would consciously chose denial and ignorance about the betrayal rather than feel this way, that is one-millionth of what it feels like to grieve. 

    Grief isn't an abnormal condition, nor is it something to be treated with words. It is a universe, a world, unto itself. If you are called to enter this world, there is no turning back. We are not allowed to refuse that call. Grief is like nothing else, with the possible exception of the pounding waves of the ocean. 

    To the untrained casual eye, each wave looks the same. It is not. No two are the same. And each one washes away the old and washes in the new. Gradually, whether we believe it or not, we are being transformed. 

The only way is through

     Sometimes we get into situations and  we can easily get out. We date someone that we decide we aren't compatible with and we stop seeing them. Some of us experiment with drugs or alchohol - or both. We may decide this isn't right for us or good for us, so we stop the unhealthy experimenting. Some of us will take a job that we diecide we don't love or it isn't what we thought it would be. So we get a different job. We may even go as far as marrying someone that isn't right for us, so we get out. There aren't children attached, no excessive property of financial entanglements. We decide it's a mistake. We're sorry, but it isn't right for us. There may be few emotions involved, but correction is mostly painless and easy. 

    Then there are the times that are less easy. We don't just date someone, we marry them, have children and then realize we made a mistake marrying this person. We chose to drown ourselves in alchohol or drugs and one day we wake up and realize our life is out of control. We realize we need help. 

    Moments like this in our life bring us to our knees in grief. This leads us to work out our destiny. If we feel we've hit a point of no return at certain points in our life, the only way is through. 

    Surrender to the experience. You may not have signed up for this but you were lead downt his path to learn lessons for your higest good. Meet your destiny head on. 

    A spiritual adventure has just begun. 

    -Melody Beattie

These momets are going to occur numerous times in our life. I mean, it's only natural and part of our journey of figuring out who we are and what we want out of life. We change, grow, evolve, redirect. It's part of life. THe thing is, you have to decide whether or not you want to go on with life miserable or make the necesarry changes to lead a better life. A healthier, happier life. Are you happy with who you are? Do you love what you do? Do you have good people in your circle? Self evaluate - then act. 

Peace. Love. Art

Get to know yourself

Self-awareness is so important in your journey to self improvement. 

It is knowing what makes you tick. Knowing what triggers you. It's understanding your own needs and desires, knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are, and being able to accurately assess your emotions. People who are self-aware know who they are at your core. 

Clearly, you would instantly recognize yourself if you were to look in the mirror. But how well do you really know the person who's reflected back to you? For instance, could you answer the following questions?

• How does this person think?
• What does this person find meaningful?
• What is this person passionarte about?
• What are their interests? What do they love to do? 
• What are their beliefs - both empowering beliefs and limiting beliefs?
• What are their values? 
• What were they put on this earth to do?
• What emotions tdo they feel most of the time? 
• What are they feeling right now? 
• Why do they begave the way they do?
• Who are they underneath the socially constructed self that they've created in order to fit in?
• What impressions do they create on others?

It's likely you can't answer most of these questions. Most people would relate. 

Some of us wont obtain the answers to these questions. After all, we are not all the same. Think about the things that are important to you and redirect these questions to ones that resignate with you. Start somehwere. I believe i'll be learning until the day I die. I find it important to strive to be the very best version of yourself. You will be who you want to be. If you want it badly enough. 

 

Therapy session #1

 February, 8th, 2021

In my first telehealth visit with my new therapist, she filled me in on her methods, which include a workbook I have printed. I love homework, so this excited me. For our next visit, she asked me to choose one quotation from the workbook. Phew, this is hard! At our next session we will discuss the meaning I give the quote. This will help us identify next steps and specific goals to work on together. Here are the quotes I have to choose from: 

1. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” - Watty Piper - The Little Engine That Could

2. “Each of us is two selves, and the great challenge of life is to keep that higher self in command. “ - Martin Luther King , Jr. 

3. “Though the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” - Helen Keller

4. “You are not responsible for being down, you are responsible for getting up. “ - Jesse Jackson

5. “No feeling is final. “ - Rainer Maria Rilke

6. “Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely. “ - Molly Goode

7. “If we change within, our outer life will change also.” - Jean Shinoda Bolen

8. “Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake.” - Wallace Stevens

9. “Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.” - Janis Joplin

10.  “And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” - Erica Jong

11.  “Chapters of my life”

• Chapter 1: I walked down the sidewalk and fell into a deep hole. I couldn’t get out and I couldn't figure out why. It wasn’t my fault. It took a long time to get out.

• Chapter 2: I walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same hole again. I couldn’t understand. It wasn’t my fault. I really had to struggle to get out.

• Chapter 3: I walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same hole again. This time I understood why and it was my fault. This time it was easier to get out. 

• Chapter 4: I walked down the sidewalk and saw the same big hole. I walked around it. I didn’t fall into that hole. 

• Chapter 5: I chose another sidewalk. 

I think i’ll go with quote #11. This one made me smile as I read each chapter. I feel like this is a good representation of the stages of healing. And I believe I'm in Chapter 5 stage of my life. And it feels so good. I have been quite observant of myself in the last few months. And of other people too. I have begun to forgive my abusers and to forgive myself for the survival traits I picked up while enduring trauma. During this time of healing, I have been working on one of the most difficult tasks - Taking responsibility and holding accountability for the role I played in the parts of my life that led to adversity. This does not discount the toxic events that others caused in my life. We are not responsible for how other people feel. We are not always in control of what people do or say to hurt us. So with so many things in this world that are out of our control, it’s important that we take control of what we can. And that is OUR choices. Today, I chose to stop living the definition of insanity. If you don’t know what that is, It is the act of doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. Break the cycle. Take back your power. Listen to your heart, your soul and your intuition. Once you start making better choices for yourself, the door will open that you didn’t know was even there. Many of them. You will start to believe in yourself. Your daydreams will become real goals that you have confidence you are capable of achieving. 

“Sometimes i’m not me because of the parts of my brain that are broken. “ 

Broken things can be repaired. You have to literally want to be a different person. What you’ve been doing hasn’t been working. So step outside the box. Step outside your comfort zone. Analyze yourself, even if it brings pain. It’s so important for healing. 

Mahalo my friends. Until next time!

Peace. Love. Art.

CPTSD ( Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

     Recently I began studying CPTSD. This study has been for personal growth, as i have recently been diagnosed with this illness. I had never heard of it. I was not diagnosed until I reached age 30, however, I was given a long list of diagnoses - Bipolar 1, PTSD, Anxiety, ADHD, OCD. These illnesses all share some similar side effects that can be crippling to day to day life. My preference is just to say, "Mental health issues." I do set apart certain characteristics that lead me to believe I do in fact have  ADHD, OCD and occasional depression. However, through my studies, I started to wonder how much of this is from CPTSD. 

    Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a learned set of responses set off in what I call, "survivor mode." It is a failure to complere many importand developmental tasks. This doesn't mean CPTSD is a type of disorder that categorizes us as mentally disabled, however, it can seem that way at times. 

    CPTSD is not genetically caused. It is environmentally caused. Unlike mose of the mental health disorders it is confused with, it is not inborn or characterlogical. While this is important to know for people who have been diagnosed with CPTSD, it doesn't discount that it's still possible to have some genetically passed down mental illness. My mother, her mother, and my grandfather have suffered from anxiety, which as I learn about their lives growing up, I wonder if their anxiety was caused by these environmentally traumatic situations. 

    CPTSD is learned, not embeded in your DNA. It is a disorder caused by lack of nurture, not nature. The misguided ideals of what you know based on life experiences that you didn't know were unusual or wrong - CAN be unlearned. You just have to retrain your brain. What was not provided by your parents or family can be provided by yourself and by a healthy support system. 

Victims were torn down and betrayed so badly that i may take a long time before they can trust any newcomers. 

When you're able to identify these obstacles, you will be able to begin healing from the damage that you endured while suffeing traumatizing abuse and abandonment. Traumatizing abuse and abandonment can stem from many forms. It can be verbal, emotional, spiritual, physical and/or sexual. Of course, sexual abuse is much more traumatizing. The more forms of this you experience, the severity of the CPTSD will worsen accordingly. 

I am studying this disorder to expand my knowledge in hopes to guide me in my healing process. I'm working on getting my GED or HiSAT so I can take college courses in hopes to counsel young kids that don't have the guidance they need in order to save them from this dreadful disorder. Too many children enter adulthood still poisened by traumas that haven't been dealt with. Some, because they lack the information. So I decided to share as i study. I hope this finds at least one person feeling hopeful about their recovery. Nothing is impossible if you want it badly enough. These illnesses do not need to run your life. You are not that child anymore. And i'm here for you!

That's not flying...It's falling, with style.

Watch out for that wooho - Melody Beattie - More language of Leffting Go

"There is a term in skydiving called relative work. That means you're contrilling your fall rate to match those of other jumpers in the air. Falling in formation with them. There was a rush of adrenaline. It's easy to get caught up in the woohoo of the moments. But don't forget about reality and humility too. We can make the right moves, assert ourselves, realize our dreams - but our plans sometimes need to be brought down to earth. Find a path with heart and walk it. Do things. Enjoy your activities. But also be aware that while you may feel like you are flying, there is a big green planet rushing toward you at 120 miles per hour that begs to differ. Say woohoo, Then remember that there's alway a power greater than you. It's important to be grounded and humble in everything that you do. "

This is basically a reminder to stay humble. I have learned that you can celebrate moments without waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can allow yourself to have those moments of excitement, hope, joy. But it's equally important to be grateful. Take a personal inventory in these moments and observe your surroundings. Enjoy the moments of joy, and appreciate them, hold on to them, for you may need them as reminders when your days are less than joyful. It's important to have balance. 

" Dread is more than just a feeling - it's really a curse."

 More Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie

       Let go of dread. 

    Treat it like a feeling. Identify it. Accept and acknowledge it. Then release it. Do whatever you have to, to get it out of your system. Because dread is more than just a feeling, it's really a curse. 

    We throw this dark gray blanket of dread over our lives for hours, sometimes days, months, and sometimes years. We convince ourselves that certain situations will be terrible. 

    Then what we've predicted comes true. 

    Dread is not living in the present moment. It's living the future before we get there, and living without any joy. There's a lot of good about the future that you don't know. There's your power to flow. There's a creative power that exists in the void. There's your ability to intuitively handle whatever comes up. And there's a lesson, a pulsing potential in teh experience that you can't see yet. There may be a delightful consequence or outcome from this experience on which you haven't planned. Or it may simply be something you need to get through to experience growth. 

    If you're feeling cursed because you're living in dread, take the curse off yourself. 

Revel in the void. The in-between place.

 Daily read - Melody Beattie

More Language of Letting Go

    We have in-between places in our lives. Those are the uncomfortable places along the journey where you're not where you werebut you're not where you're going yet, either. Its important to accept that place, no matter how difficult that may be. 

    Let's look at this place. Only now, we call it he void. Take another look at that momentwhen one door has closed behind you and you're standing in that dark hallway. but no door opens up. Or you let go of whatever you've been grasping so tightly and stand there with an empty hand. Don't say WOOHOO just when you begin something new. Feel the WOOHOO of this moment, too! Embrace the void. This wonderful in-between place holds the keys to all creation. 

    Begin with a clean slate. It was the magic and mystery of the void that allowed all this wonderful creation to be.

    If you're at an in between place, don't just accept it. Revel in it, embrace it, rejoice at your opportunity to sit in the birth place of all that will come along in your path. Relax in the void and allow creation to flow. 

Stare in the face of your fears - MB

     Examine your fears. 

    Sometimes we're afraid of specific things. Sometimes we fear the unknown. And sometimes we're just afraid, because that's the way we usually feel. 

    Are you nervous, anxious or upset? What's scaring you right now? 

    Have a little talk with yourself. Take a look at what you fear. Are you starting a new relationship or job? What are the risks? What's the worst that could possibly happen? Sometimes it helps to go through our fears, one by one. We don't need to dwell on the negative, but we need to be certain that we're willing to take responsibility for the risks involved. 

    Then look in the other direction, and see the entire positive potential there. What can you gain by taking that risk? Does the thrill of victory outweigh the potential loss? 

    We may emerge from the list saying, no, i choose not to risk that. Or we may look at the risks and say, yes, i've been through worse. I can handle this too. 

    Someone once told me years ago that fear was a good thing. If you're not feeling afraid, it means you're not doing anythign differently. You're just repeating the same old thing. If fear is haunting you, stare it in the face. See what's making you feel afraid. Then either back off, or stare that fear down. 

    

Language of Letting Go - by Melody Beattie - My daily saving grace 2/4/21

 Hey folks! 

I read this book every single day. My mother sent it to me 7 years ago. I didn't begin reading it daily until last year. I have a few girlfriends I share the readings with and a couple groups on facebook. It seems to attract a lot of positive attention and help many people. Shit, it's been my saving grace. I just purchased book #2. 

More Language of Letting Go - 366 daily meditations. The author is Melody Beattie. She has many incredible books, I suggest you read them all! 

I decided i'd start adding these to my blog. Take what you want from it. Take what resignates with you. Personally, I write it down every day. I believe it's helpful because i've learned when you write things down, it makes your brain process things better and retain the information. Now, i'll be typing parts of it out. Sometimes i'll share how it resognates with me and how I relate it to my personal experiences. I hope it helps someone as it's helped me. These books are about letting go of codependency. Enjoy!

FEBRUARY 4th, 2021 - Don't let fear throw you off balance

Lay a two by four on the ground and walk its length with ou falling off. Easy, isn't it? Now, place a couple of bricks under the two by four, raising it off the ground by a few inches. Walk it again. A little harder this time? Now imagine that same two by four, suspended at the height of your house with no safety net under it. Would you care to try again?

    The higher the stakes, the harder it is to maintain our balance. That's what fear does in our lives. 

    When we're faced with simple situations in life, it's easy to do the right thing. But as the stakes get higher and higher, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on the task. We imagine "what ifs" and what might happen if we fail. 

    Look at the two by fours that you have to cross every day in your life. Are you allowing fear of a worst case scenario to upset your balance? Put the situation back on the ground. Rarely will failure result in permanent damage. Remove the fear that your mind has created around the possibility of failure  and just walk along the plank. 

GREAT READ!

"We grow fearless when we do the things we fear. "

    

You do not just wake up and become the Butterfly. Growth is a process.

 Hey lovelies! 

I am back! My apologies for the inconsistency. The thing about mental health recovery is that you go through many stages of healing and grief. And sometimes that means we hermit, or isolate and take a time out to rebuild and set goals. The last few months have been pretty insane! Between a traumatic experience in Michigan, an impulsive move closer to home, to a motel for 2 weeks(which is where I spent christmas. In quarantine.) On New years eve I moved into a safe house/womens shelter; which was like a prison, but i get it, Safety. Then graduated out of there and moved into a good, safe place where I have my own little sanctuary, my dog, my friends, and the support system I need. I carry a small circle, but they're my Ohana. The thing is, I don't look at these experiences as things I regret or things i'd like to take back. I'm grateful for these experiences. They taught me lessons I needed to learn to ecolve into where I am now. Michigan, as terrible as it was brought me to appreciate home. My friends. I saw another culture and another life that i quickly learned was NOT for me. It also taught me to be observant of people. I also learned who my real friends are. Michigan also brought me my best friend Lizzie. The friends house I moved home to a couple hours south of HOME taught me the kindess in humanity is not dead. I also met a troubled teenager that reminded me of myself and lit a fire in me to begin. start somewhere and make a difference. The motel was sad and lonely and depressing. It was a long, emotional, 2 and a half weeks of solitarty and grieving that was much needed. I also reconnected with a freind that taught me forgiveness exists in peoples hearts. The safe house taught me kindness and showed me safety. While there, I saw women that were so traumatized and damaged mentally from their abusers. This made me sad. I have empathy for any woman that was ever abused in any way. Whether that be physical, sexual, emotinal, mental abuse. It's all abuse. But it's never too late to retrain your brain. I am walking proof it's possible. And I still have a LOT of work to do. But lets do it together! 

    This also led me to a clarity on what I want to do with my life. With my trauma and adversity and experiences. I want to help people. I want to share my story and bring people hope that no mature what you endure, no ones pain is greater than anothers. And our mistakes dont define us. Our fears don;t dictate our life. If you want it bad enough, and you belive in yourself,  you can create whatever life it is you dream of. You are not your trauma. Grief is just love. It is love with no place to go. Put all that love back into yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Do you love yourself? If you are not happy with your life, or with who you are, or with the people you have in your circle, you literaly have to want to change who you are. Now that doesn't mean there arent parts of yourself that you love. Keep the parts you want to keep. This is your body. This is your mind. This is your spirit. Nurture it. And then watch your energy evolve into more fulfilling ways of life. 

"Forgive yourself for the survival traits you picked up while enduring trauma."

YOU are the greatest project you will ever work on.