Know your limits

 While it's good to be compassionate, we can become overly compassionate, too. Don't work so hard at not judging other people that you forgot to pay attention to what you don't like. 

"I know what it feels like to be abandoned and left. I don't like the feeling, so i'm not going to leave the people in my life." While I was living with an abusive man, emotional, mental and physical. 

"I need to be compassionate and non judgemental, He's had a hard life. He's had loss. I'm all he's got left." 

You can set boundaries with someone, without judging that person. You can decide that behaviors are inappropriate and hurt you, without condemning that person. 

Don't forget you have a right to say, "ouch." 

We can say whatever with compassion and still take care of ourselves. This is a very difficult thing, and even more so when you struggle from mental health issues. As i've mentioned before, I have Bipolar1, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and OCD. So in order to achieve "knowing my limits" I need to have a routine and go to therapy twice a week and practice self care. It isn't easy, but it isn't impossible.

" Spirit, help me set appropriate limits with people in my life." 

Learning to deal with manipulation

 " Even if you understand and follow all of the rules for more effectively engaging manipulators, life with them is not likely to be easy."

Sometimes they want something. Sometimes they want someone. Sometimes they want someone to give them something or feel a particular way. They want power, in some way, shape or form. Manipulators pray on weak spots. 

Obsession and guilt are weapons. 

Manipulators get us to use these weapons on ourselves. 

Sometimes we can disengage from maWe may have a parent whom we care about deeplt who has adapted manipulation as a way of life. 

Learn how to affectively deal with manipulators. Not everyone means what they say and says what they mean. People fling words about, to hit our guilty, vain, or frighten spots. Recognize that tinge of guilt or coercion you feel when other people are trying to force you to do it their way. Learn to recognize when others are telling you what they believe you want to hear. Learn to not react, stay clear, practice nonresistance, and stay true to yourself. This is even more difficult when you are an empath. 

Be gentle with yourself, if you have a manipulator in your life. You're not responsible for the other persons attempts at manipulation. You're responsible for staying clear. 

"Help me let go of the weak spots in myself that allow me to fall prey to manipulations. Help me stay clear of guilt and obsession so I can decide what's best for me."

MANIPULATION - First you must recognize it

 " Herein lies an irony: the person who is trying to manipulate you views you as having greater strength or power than he or she does." 

Manipulation is an encounter in which someone else attempts to control how you feel, behave, or think - without our permission - and it causes you discomfort as a result. 

Most of us use manipulation, from time to time, to get what we want. Sometimes our manipulations are harmless, even cute. Both people know a low grade manipulation is at hand. Both people basically want what the manipulator is working so hard to get - dinner out, a movie, a walk through the park. It's not a big deal. 

Other times, the stakes are higher and the people involved don't agree. That's when manipulations can be harmful. When we don't know what we want, when we're not clear with others and ourselves about how we feel, a manipulation is in the air. 

Sometimes manipulations are conscious and deliberate. Other times, they're unconscious, foggy attempts to get what we want. 

Let's simplify our definition of manipulation. If an encounter leaves you feeling crummy, it probably involves manipulation of some sort. 

Isn't it ironic that sometimes the very feeling we're trying to deny is exactly what we need to be feeling to take care of ourselves?

Next time you're faced with a situation that leaves you feeling crummy, take a moment to see if manipulation was involved. Remember that when other try to manipulate you, they perceive you as having something they want and as being more powerful than they are. If you're powerful enough to be a target for manipulation, you're powerful enough to take care of yourself. 

Neutralize conflicts

 Melody Beattie - more language of letting go. 

Unless you want a fight or an argument, don't give anything to push against. 

Here is a key to harmonizing with people who are upset or have a point of view different from your own. Stay so relaxed when you talk to them that you allow yourself to empathize with how they think and feel. THat doesn't mean that you give in to peoples every whim. It means, instead, that you are so clear and focused that you can genuinely let other people be who they are. 

It's both naive and egotistical to think that everyone thinks and feels the same as us. It's ridiculous to believe that everyone will agree with our point of view. One of the true signs of a person who is growing consciousness is that he or she recognizes that each person has individual motives , desires and feelings. 

Instead of meeting a verbal attack with a verbal counter attack you respond first by coming around to your attackers point of view, seeing the situation from his or her viewpoint. 

BLEND to deal with verbal confrontations in our daily lives. The response, whether physical or verbal, is quite disarming, leaving the attacker with no target to focus on. It's a means by which you can multiply your options in responding to any kind of attack. If the person espousing his or her point of view is just trying to get us to react or has no desire for reconciliation, we can still neutralize the conflict by staying relaxed, letting the other person be and responding by saying, "hmmm." It's a polite way of saying, "whatever" when expressing your disagreement would only lead to a senseless fight. At the least, you'll become a great conversationalist, a respectable art to be acquired. At best, you'll bring about peace in your corner of the world. 

Don't let anger control your life. Hate is heavy, LET IT GO

Some Melody Beattie, some ME. 

 My past relationships, the men I was with were tyrant. Their anger controlled most of my moves. When they got angry, they exploded in rage. Things got broken, and they carried on as if nothing happened. The rage terrified me. 

I've never done well with anger. It brings me emotional flashbacks not only of other but of the rage i've had within myself. I spent a great deal of my life walking on eggshells. I committed to men that I allowed to completely control me by the mere threat of his rage. 

Whether we call them rageaholics, tyrants, bullies, assholes, or whatever foul words we may have in our minds when we think about these people; a lot of people in our world get their way by being mean. We may find ourselves instinctively walking on eggshells around these people, praying to God we don't set them off. 

Anger is a powerful emotion. But we don't have to let anybody else's rage take control of our lives. If somebody you know or love is a bully or tyrant, don't take it our on yourself. Trust me, I'm my own worst critic. No one is harder on me than ME. I take things personally that I shouldn't and I always assume it's my fault. But when you begin to heal, you redirect these feelings in a healthy manner and realize you are accountable for some things, but many things are not your fault. This is learned, unhealthy behavior that you picked up from abuse. 

Stop walking on eggshells and letting heir rage control your every step. Instead of taking on their problem, try something different. Step out of your comfort zone. What you've been doing isn't working for you so it's time to change. Stand up for yourself. 

How do you deal with anger? Does somebody in your life use anger as a way of controlling you? It may be time to let go of your fear of setting people off. Don't poke the bear. Pick your battles. Let it go. 

If you are in a dangerous situation, then by all means, get out, If you are just allowing yourself to be controlled by the fear of an emotional outburst, then learn to say WHATEVER when someone spouts off. Don't give them the satisfaction of a reaction to their toxic behavior. 

Allowing differences - what sets you apart. Unique is GOOD. Being fake is NOT.

 I spent most of my life thinking that we were black and white. That we're supposed to all do the same thing, be the same. That there was one right way to be and one wrong way to be. It took me a long time to realize that we may have a lot in common with other people, we're each unique. 

It took me even longer to realize that the practical application of this meant I had to learn to allow for differences between the people I loved - and myself. Acceptance is key. 

Just because we find commonality with someone, and might even think we're in love, doesn't mean that each person is going to respond and be the same. And sometimes, it will seem as if they are, not because they actually DO have these commonalities, but because they're molding themselves into who they think you want them to be so that you will love them. You will do it too. You will find that this doesn't work. I spent a great deal of my life molding myself for the med in my life. I was whoever they wanted me to be. This is unhealthy, codependent behavior. These people disappointed me, hurt me and caused me a great deal of grief, however I am also responsible. I wasn't honest about who I was. I didn't know who I was. I was whoever my last lover wanted me to be. So in reality, I failed in the relationship too because I wasn't honest about my feelings and thoughts. I didn't have a voice. I was so eager for a love I never received that I was willing to compromise who I was for the happiness of others. And in the process, I lost myself. Then you find yourself asking:

If I was being completely true to myself and being ME, would this person pursue me or love me? 

If I was true to myself, would this person have even caught my eye?

Do I love who I am?

Do I really love who this person is or am I in love with the daydream I created in my head?

Do I love who I am when I am with this person?

Do I feel loved for the right reasons?

Do we love ALL parts of each other or just SOME?

So often in our relationships, we try to get the other person to behave the way we want. This is codependency and unhealthy behavior. This is manipulation. This forcing of our will on them will ltimately become a huge strain on the relationship. It can also block genuine love. When we're trying to change someone else, we overlook his or her gifts. When we try to change ourselves for the wrong reasons, we bury our own gifts. We dont value the parts that are different becuase we're too busy trying to change ourselves or others into something we're not. If you can't be completely transparent and open about who you are, then what is the purpose of the relationship?

Allow for differences, but doni't just allow. Appreciate and accept the differences. Embrace them. And if you're not accepted and loved for those differences, the people don't fit in your puzzle. Value what each person has to offer and the gifts each person can bring. If YOU don't like who you are, do something about it. 

Learn to say whatever, with a spark of amusement and curiosity, when someone isn't the same as you. Try getting a kick out of the unique way each person approaches life. 

HOW CODEPENDENT I HAVE BEEN:

Someone elses pain, anger or instability-

I'd make it all my responsibility,

The pleaser. The rescuer and martyr, 

Even though I knew, 

I was always smarter.

But always felt guilty.

And I didn't know how to be ME. 

And everything was always, "fine,"

Until it wasn't. It's the shame that does it. 

So when I made my first boundary, 

It felt selfish and crazy. 

And when I found the courage to respond

with my real needs, 

I discovered my humanity. 

And realized that helping others doesn't begin with them, 

it starts by healing me. 

With the words, I AM WORTHY. 

Don't take storms personally

 More Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie    March 3rd

Somewhere out in the pacific, a storm brewed and swirled and thrashed and died without ever touching the land. Three days later, under a clear blue sky, the storm surge reached the California coast near LA. The sea threw rocks at the house; the waves stacked up and crashed down against the pilings of the foundation. Farther up the street, the ocean ate the back porch of two houses. All night the shore line trembled and shook from the power of the sea. 

THe next morning, the tide pulled back, the swells calmed and the sky stayed blue. I walked down the beach, impressed at the way the ocean had littered it with huge chunks of drift wood and rocks. Then I walked back upstairs and drank my morning coffee. 

Sometimes storms arent about us. Sometimes, friends or loved ones will attack us for no apparent reason. They'll fus, foam and snap at us. When we ask them why we'll say, " Oh, i'm sorry I had a bad day at work."

But we still feel hurt and upset. 

Hold people accountable for their behavior. Don't let people treat you badly. But don't take the storms in their lives personally. These storms may have nothing to do with you. 

Seek shelter if necessary. Get away from curt friends until they have time to calm down; then approach when it's safe. If the storm isn't about you, there's nothing you need to do. Would you try to stop the ocean waves by standing in the surf with your arms outstretched?

Say whatever, Let the the storms blow through. 

Prisoner of childhood

     I want to talk about CPTSD and the levels of recovering. 

    Healing from Complex PTSD is definitely complex. 

    Abusive and abandoning parents can injure and abandon us on many levels:

• cognitive
• emotional
• spiritual
• physical
• relational

    This is not a one size fits all disorder. Every person's experience is unique. But pain is pain. 

In order to recover, you need to learn how to support yourself. To meet your unmet developmental needs on each level that is relevant to your experience of childhood trauma. 

KEY DEVELOPMENTAL ARRESTS in CPTSD    

    You may find that you experience a diminished or absence of the key features of healthy human being. Typically, survivors will vary on which and how many of these arrests relate to them. Some will suffer from additional mental and emotional obstacles on top of these. Factors affecting this area of your 4F type(FIGHT/FLIGHT/FREEZE/FAWN)...your childhood abuse and neglect pattern, your innate nature and any recovery work that you have already accomplished. 

    When you begin to practice self care and healing from grief and trauma - there are many characteristics that you begin to experience within yourself that are new to you. You become a different person. The thing is, to actually heal, you need to literally want to change who you are. It's hard work and it doesn't happen fast. My days consist of reading books, positive affirmations, tears of pain and joy, taking a personal inventory of yourself and all the people around you. There's a time when you re-evaluate the people in your life and what purpose they serve. And slowly, you will begin to recognize the positive traits you are learning to embrace in your daily life. 

• self acceptance
• clear sense of identity
• self compassion
• self protection
• capacity to draw comfort from relationships
• ability to relax
• capacity for full expression
• willpower and motivation
• peace of mind
• self care
• belief that life is a gift
• self esteem
• self confidence

I wish i had learned sooner, but it's better than not learning at all. Unfortunately, some people don't have the strength, knowledge, guidance or support system to do so. Some are still sitting out there without understanding about what obstacles they are facing. 

My clarity to nurture myself in these arrested areas of development were blinded and poisoned in early recovery by anger, resentment and lack of guidance. I held resentment towards myself. I also placed blame on myself and others, some warranted, some illogical and irrational. Then i began to practice self care and healing. And it's changing my life. It is addicting, enlightening, joyous. It is also hard, exhausting and full of grief. Grief is just love with no place to go. So put that love into yourself. It's worth the work. I'm just getting started, and this journey is so good for my soul.