I spent most of my life thinking that we were black and white. That we're supposed to all do the same thing, be the same. That there was one right way to be and one wrong way to be. It took me a long time to realize that we may have a lot in common with other people, we're each unique.
It took me even longer to realize that the practical application of this meant I had to learn to allow for differences between the people I loved - and myself. Acceptance is key.
Just because we find commonality with someone, and might even think we're in love, doesn't mean that each person is going to respond and be the same. And sometimes, it will seem as if they are, not because they actually DO have these commonalities, but because they're molding themselves into who they think you want them to be so that you will love them. You will do it too. You will find that this doesn't work. I spent a great deal of my life molding myself for the med in my life. I was whoever they wanted me to be. This is unhealthy, codependent behavior. These people disappointed me, hurt me and caused me a great deal of grief, however I am also responsible. I wasn't honest about who I was. I didn't know who I was. I was whoever my last lover wanted me to be. So in reality, I failed in the relationship too because I wasn't honest about my feelings and thoughts. I didn't have a voice. I was so eager for a love I never received that I was willing to compromise who I was for the happiness of others. And in the process, I lost myself. Then you find yourself asking:
If I was being completely true to myself and being ME, would this person pursue me or love me?
If I was true to myself, would this person have even caught my eye?
Do I love who I am?
Do I really love who this person is or am I in love with the daydream I created in my head?
Do I love who I am when I am with this person?
Do I feel loved for the right reasons?
Do we love ALL parts of each other or just SOME?
So often in our relationships, we try to get the other person to behave the way we want. This is codependency and unhealthy behavior. This is manipulation. This forcing of our will on them will ltimately become a huge strain on the relationship. It can also block genuine love. When we're trying to change someone else, we overlook his or her gifts. When we try to change ourselves for the wrong reasons, we bury our own gifts. We dont value the parts that are different becuase we're too busy trying to change ourselves or others into something we're not. If you can't be completely transparent and open about who you are, then what is the purpose of the relationship?
Allow for differences, but doni't just allow. Appreciate and accept the differences. Embrace them. And if you're not accepted and loved for those differences, the people don't fit in your puzzle. Value what each person has to offer and the gifts each person can bring. If YOU don't like who you are, do something about it.
Learn to say whatever, with a spark of amusement and curiosity, when someone isn't the same as you. Try getting a kick out of the unique way each person approaches life.
HOW CODEPENDENT I HAVE BEEN:
Someone elses pain, anger or instability-
I'd make it all my responsibility,
The pleaser. The rescuer and martyr,
Even though I knew,
I was always smarter.
But always felt guilty.
And I didn't know how to be ME.
And everything was always, "fine,"
Until it wasn't. It's the shame that does it.
So when I made my first boundary,
It felt selfish and crazy.
And when I found the courage to respond
with my real needs,
I discovered my humanity.
And realized that helping others doesn't begin with them,
it starts by healing me.
With the words, I AM WORTHY.
No comments:
Post a Comment