MANIPULATION - First you must recognize it

 " Herein lies an irony: the person who is trying to manipulate you views you as having greater strength or power than he or she does." 

Manipulation is an encounter in which someone else attempts to control how you feel, behave, or think - without our permission - and it causes you discomfort as a result. 

Most of us use manipulation, from time to time, to get what we want. Sometimes our manipulations are harmless, even cute. Both people know a low grade manipulation is at hand. Both people basically want what the manipulator is working so hard to get - dinner out, a movie, a walk through the park. It's not a big deal. 

Other times, the stakes are higher and the people involved don't agree. That's when manipulations can be harmful. When we don't know what we want, when we're not clear with others and ourselves about how we feel, a manipulation is in the air. 

Sometimes manipulations are conscious and deliberate. Other times, they're unconscious, foggy attempts to get what we want. 

Let's simplify our definition of manipulation. If an encounter leaves you feeling crummy, it probably involves manipulation of some sort. 

Isn't it ironic that sometimes the very feeling we're trying to deny is exactly what we need to be feeling to take care of ourselves?

Next time you're faced with a situation that leaves you feeling crummy, take a moment to see if manipulation was involved. Remember that when other try to manipulate you, they perceive you as having something they want and as being more powerful than they are. If you're powerful enough to be a target for manipulation, you're powerful enough to take care of yourself. 

Neutralize conflicts

 Melody Beattie - more language of letting go. 

Unless you want a fight or an argument, don't give anything to push against. 

Here is a key to harmonizing with people who are upset or have a point of view different from your own. Stay so relaxed when you talk to them that you allow yourself to empathize with how they think and feel. THat doesn't mean that you give in to peoples every whim. It means, instead, that you are so clear and focused that you can genuinely let other people be who they are. 

It's both naive and egotistical to think that everyone thinks and feels the same as us. It's ridiculous to believe that everyone will agree with our point of view. One of the true signs of a person who is growing consciousness is that he or she recognizes that each person has individual motives , desires and feelings. 

Instead of meeting a verbal attack with a verbal counter attack you respond first by coming around to your attackers point of view, seeing the situation from his or her viewpoint. 

BLEND to deal with verbal confrontations in our daily lives. The response, whether physical or verbal, is quite disarming, leaving the attacker with no target to focus on. It's a means by which you can multiply your options in responding to any kind of attack. If the person espousing his or her point of view is just trying to get us to react or has no desire for reconciliation, we can still neutralize the conflict by staying relaxed, letting the other person be and responding by saying, "hmmm." It's a polite way of saying, "whatever" when expressing your disagreement would only lead to a senseless fight. At the least, you'll become a great conversationalist, a respectable art to be acquired. At best, you'll bring about peace in your corner of the world. 

Don't let anger control your life. Hate is heavy, LET IT GO

Some Melody Beattie, some ME. 

 My past relationships, the men I was with were tyrant. Their anger controlled most of my moves. When they got angry, they exploded in rage. Things got broken, and they carried on as if nothing happened. The rage terrified me. 

I've never done well with anger. It brings me emotional flashbacks not only of other but of the rage i've had within myself. I spent a great deal of my life walking on eggshells. I committed to men that I allowed to completely control me by the mere threat of his rage. 

Whether we call them rageaholics, tyrants, bullies, assholes, or whatever foul words we may have in our minds when we think about these people; a lot of people in our world get their way by being mean. We may find ourselves instinctively walking on eggshells around these people, praying to God we don't set them off. 

Anger is a powerful emotion. But we don't have to let anybody else's rage take control of our lives. If somebody you know or love is a bully or tyrant, don't take it our on yourself. Trust me, I'm my own worst critic. No one is harder on me than ME. I take things personally that I shouldn't and I always assume it's my fault. But when you begin to heal, you redirect these feelings in a healthy manner and realize you are accountable for some things, but many things are not your fault. This is learned, unhealthy behavior that you picked up from abuse. 

Stop walking on eggshells and letting heir rage control your every step. Instead of taking on their problem, try something different. Step out of your comfort zone. What you've been doing isn't working for you so it's time to change. Stand up for yourself. 

How do you deal with anger? Does somebody in your life use anger as a way of controlling you? It may be time to let go of your fear of setting people off. Don't poke the bear. Pick your battles. Let it go. 

If you are in a dangerous situation, then by all means, get out, If you are just allowing yourself to be controlled by the fear of an emotional outburst, then learn to say WHATEVER when someone spouts off. Don't give them the satisfaction of a reaction to their toxic behavior. 

Allowing differences - what sets you apart. Unique is GOOD. Being fake is NOT.

 I spent most of my life thinking that we were black and white. That we're supposed to all do the same thing, be the same. That there was one right way to be and one wrong way to be. It took me a long time to realize that we may have a lot in common with other people, we're each unique. 

It took me even longer to realize that the practical application of this meant I had to learn to allow for differences between the people I loved - and myself. Acceptance is key. 

Just because we find commonality with someone, and might even think we're in love, doesn't mean that each person is going to respond and be the same. And sometimes, it will seem as if they are, not because they actually DO have these commonalities, but because they're molding themselves into who they think you want them to be so that you will love them. You will do it too. You will find that this doesn't work. I spent a great deal of my life molding myself for the med in my life. I was whoever they wanted me to be. This is unhealthy, codependent behavior. These people disappointed me, hurt me and caused me a great deal of grief, however I am also responsible. I wasn't honest about who I was. I didn't know who I was. I was whoever my last lover wanted me to be. So in reality, I failed in the relationship too because I wasn't honest about my feelings and thoughts. I didn't have a voice. I was so eager for a love I never received that I was willing to compromise who I was for the happiness of others. And in the process, I lost myself. Then you find yourself asking:

If I was being completely true to myself and being ME, would this person pursue me or love me? 

If I was true to myself, would this person have even caught my eye?

Do I love who I am?

Do I really love who this person is or am I in love with the daydream I created in my head?

Do I love who I am when I am with this person?

Do I feel loved for the right reasons?

Do we love ALL parts of each other or just SOME?

So often in our relationships, we try to get the other person to behave the way we want. This is codependency and unhealthy behavior. This is manipulation. This forcing of our will on them will ltimately become a huge strain on the relationship. It can also block genuine love. When we're trying to change someone else, we overlook his or her gifts. When we try to change ourselves for the wrong reasons, we bury our own gifts. We dont value the parts that are different becuase we're too busy trying to change ourselves or others into something we're not. If you can't be completely transparent and open about who you are, then what is the purpose of the relationship?

Allow for differences, but doni't just allow. Appreciate and accept the differences. Embrace them. And if you're not accepted and loved for those differences, the people don't fit in your puzzle. Value what each person has to offer and the gifts each person can bring. If YOU don't like who you are, do something about it. 

Learn to say whatever, with a spark of amusement and curiosity, when someone isn't the same as you. Try getting a kick out of the unique way each person approaches life. 

HOW CODEPENDENT I HAVE BEEN:

Someone elses pain, anger or instability-

I'd make it all my responsibility,

The pleaser. The rescuer and martyr, 

Even though I knew, 

I was always smarter.

But always felt guilty.

And I didn't know how to be ME. 

And everything was always, "fine,"

Until it wasn't. It's the shame that does it. 

So when I made my first boundary, 

It felt selfish and crazy. 

And when I found the courage to respond

with my real needs, 

I discovered my humanity. 

And realized that helping others doesn't begin with them, 

it starts by healing me. 

With the words, I AM WORTHY. 

Don't take storms personally

 More Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie    March 3rd

Somewhere out in the pacific, a storm brewed and swirled and thrashed and died without ever touching the land. Three days later, under a clear blue sky, the storm surge reached the California coast near LA. The sea threw rocks at the house; the waves stacked up and crashed down against the pilings of the foundation. Farther up the street, the ocean ate the back porch of two houses. All night the shore line trembled and shook from the power of the sea. 

THe next morning, the tide pulled back, the swells calmed and the sky stayed blue. I walked down the beach, impressed at the way the ocean had littered it with huge chunks of drift wood and rocks. Then I walked back upstairs and drank my morning coffee. 

Sometimes storms arent about us. Sometimes, friends or loved ones will attack us for no apparent reason. They'll fus, foam and snap at us. When we ask them why we'll say, " Oh, i'm sorry I had a bad day at work."

But we still feel hurt and upset. 

Hold people accountable for their behavior. Don't let people treat you badly. But don't take the storms in their lives personally. These storms may have nothing to do with you. 

Seek shelter if necessary. Get away from curt friends until they have time to calm down; then approach when it's safe. If the storm isn't about you, there's nothing you need to do. Would you try to stop the ocean waves by standing in the surf with your arms outstretched?

Say whatever, Let the the storms blow through. 

Prisoner of childhood

     I want to talk about CPTSD and the levels of recovering. 

    Healing from Complex PTSD is definitely complex. 

    Abusive and abandoning parents can injure and abandon us on many levels:

• cognitive
• emotional
• spiritual
• physical
• relational

    This is not a one size fits all disorder. Every person's experience is unique. But pain is pain. 

In order to recover, you need to learn how to support yourself. To meet your unmet developmental needs on each level that is relevant to your experience of childhood trauma. 

KEY DEVELOPMENTAL ARRESTS in CPTSD    

    You may find that you experience a diminished or absence of the key features of healthy human being. Typically, survivors will vary on which and how many of these arrests relate to them. Some will suffer from additional mental and emotional obstacles on top of these. Factors affecting this area of your 4F type(FIGHT/FLIGHT/FREEZE/FAWN)...your childhood abuse and neglect pattern, your innate nature and any recovery work that you have already accomplished. 

    When you begin to practice self care and healing from grief and trauma - there are many characteristics that you begin to experience within yourself that are new to you. You become a different person. The thing is, to actually heal, you need to literally want to change who you are. It's hard work and it doesn't happen fast. My days consist of reading books, positive affirmations, tears of pain and joy, taking a personal inventory of yourself and all the people around you. There's a time when you re-evaluate the people in your life and what purpose they serve. And slowly, you will begin to recognize the positive traits you are learning to embrace in your daily life. 

• self acceptance
• clear sense of identity
• self compassion
• self protection
• capacity to draw comfort from relationships
• ability to relax
• capacity for full expression
• willpower and motivation
• peace of mind
• self care
• belief that life is a gift
• self esteem
• self confidence

I wish i had learned sooner, but it's better than not learning at all. Unfortunately, some people don't have the strength, knowledge, guidance or support system to do so. Some are still sitting out there without understanding about what obstacles they are facing. 

My clarity to nurture myself in these arrested areas of development were blinded and poisoned in early recovery by anger, resentment and lack of guidance. I held resentment towards myself. I also placed blame on myself and others, some warranted, some illogical and irrational. Then i began to practice self care and healing. And it's changing my life. It is addicting, enlightening, joyous. It is also hard, exhausting and full of grief. Grief is just love with no place to go. So put that love into yourself. It's worth the work. I'm just getting started, and this journey is so good for my soul. 

Learn to fly; like a firefly; when you take accontability. PERSONAL INVENTORY

 Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing; no one to blame.

    It is so easy to point the finger at someone else if our plans don't work out. For example:

" I would have been more successful, but the economy was slow this year." 

"Well that sounds nice, but my therapist says that I should avoid too much stress." 

"I wanted to do that, but my husband didn't like the idea." 

    What a frightening prospect it is to take your life into your own hands, to decide whether or not you will accept full responsibility for all of your actions and choices. What an amazing - and sometimes terrifying - freedom complete responsibility for your actions brings!! We all make mistakes. Sometimes we stumble and fall. But OH - the feeling when you finally get it right! When you decide to take that step and it works. Them your doubts cause you to ask the universe for signs that you're on the right path - and the universe provides. Ask and you shall receive! But when you receive it, you need to acknowledge it, accept it and apply the knowledge. Use the tools given to you. After all, you asked for them. You bring about what you think about. That's when you discover that those fragile butterfly wings on your back are not just there for ornamentation. You can fly!

    Own your power! Take charge of your life! With so many tragic things that are out of our control...control what you can. Take responsibility for your actions. This will heal your toxic shame. 

    Ultimately, no one chooses what you will do - but YOU. Enjoy the freedom - you've had it all along,!

"Spirit, help me take complete responsibility for my own actions. Give me the guidance, and power, to steer my own course according to the dictates of my heart and my conscience."

I'd like to share a piece of my book. It's called, "Letter to Panda. " Then i'l share how my story changed when I took accountability for my misguided survivor mode behaviors of FIGHT OR FLIGHT and FREEZE OR FAWN. A common symptom of CPTSD. 

    This was a letter I wrote to my cousin in jail, who got out this week. However, i discovered he never got the letter because he was transferred to another prison. He's out now. Panda, if you're reading this...My last letter was:

Letter to Panda  

Hey Panda!

I’m sorry communication has been lacking! Life has been pretty intense. My stalker found me. I reported him to the Vermont court and District Attorney. He had an arraignment and he was released on conditions no different than the ones placed in the original restraining order!!!

So I booked it to a friend's place in New Baltimore, Michigan. 23 Mile. Near 8 mile. Detroit. Man was that a traumatic four weeks! Friend failed to tell me he lives with his Oma. And also neglected to tell Oma I was coming!! DOUCHE. So, scared as fuck, I went on craigslist and found a room for rent 8 miles away in Macomb County, Michigan. It was an old man, Brooklyn Bob. He was 60 or 70. His wife had died and he had prostate cancer. He had a room for rent in exchange for housekeeping and meal preparations. It was in a nice, ritzy area and it seemed to be the perfect opportunity considering I was homeless in a strange, dangerous city and knew no one. Dude smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Light 100’s a day, He drank bud light until 2am every damn night. He constantly spoke political nonsense that meant nothing to me and made my ears bleed in disgust. He was tall and had slicked back white hair and always wore black button up long sleeved, collared shirts and jeans. He had a new york accent and spent the entire day in his office where he smoked, watched the news regarding the election, drank and looked at tits on his computer. 

He started with the nasty comments about my mesmerizing eyes , my toned legs for days, golden tits and hot bod. Then he began touching my tits and ass when I walked by. He asked to see my nipples and told me there was a no bra rule in the house. The way he spoke to me was disgusting. I began to be triggered by a memory from my childhood. I was ten or eleven. I’m honestly not really sure. I could have been younger. Mom and Danny had just split up. Danny had discovered my mother had been lying to us all about having cancer. She was really just anorexic and hooked on pills. She was also an alcoholic and the reason the island of maui was hooked on opiates. We were homeless. Danny kicked her out. Which meant I was kicked out too. Danny was a drunk and a wreck. Jaime had run off to stay with friends of hers. She was popular. She had people. I did not. I had mom. I imagine i wanted to stay with Danny, however at that time i didn’t know what was going on. I loved my mom. Maybe she didn’t want me to stay with Danny. Maybe Danny didn’t want me. I don’t know. 

Danny was my best friend. And I was his Boogie. I was mom's Happily Natalie.  Mom did bring me to see him once. She told me to take the school bus to Pohailani, have dinner with Danny and she would pick me up at the bus stop tomorrow after school. Well, I sat there with Danny eating chef boyardee ravioli and watched a Celtics game. Danny loved the Celtics. He was from Watertown, Massachusetts. He was so sad. He tried so hard to hold back his tears. He then began to have an alcoholic seizure. We were alone. I didn’t hesitate. I laid him on his side and bolted through the neighborhood screaming for any neighbor to hear me. I believe I reached Paul Anka. My childhood best friend, Justen’s dad. My memory of the rest of that night is black. I remember being at school the next day. Side note - Paul used to tell my mother, “Natalie does not simply walk. She positively frolics!” I wasn’t frolicking that night. I was running. 

When school got out, I took the school bus to Pohailani to wait for mom. I did this for days. I have no idea how many.  I have no idea where I stayed. I just remember her showing up one day at the beach across the street from Pohailani. You’d think she'd have known about Danny. You’d think she’d have come with food. No. She said , “Hey honey, we have a home, let's go!”

We went north. To a little hawaiian valley named Kahakalkoa. It rained there daily. The nights were cold and there were thunder and lightning storms every night I can remember. It was dark and eerie. This was not like my little neighborhood in Kahana. We pulled off the wet, rocky, dirt road onto a piece of land that was near the cliffs to the ocean. There was a tiny little shack. Old man Sonny also had about 200 stray cats. Oh, and an old beaten up abandoned school bus - aka - mom’s new apartment. In her book, she describes this bus. “Rustic didn’t come close to describing this place. It had no running water, no bathroom, no electricity, dirty mildewed futons to sleep on and holes in the floors everywhere.” Hey, it was $50 a month. Mom says, “ It was so faded from the sun you couldn't tell it used to be yellow. It had busted windows, no door, filthy grimey windows and smelled terrible.” Need I say more?

Mom tucked me into bed. I remember her telling me she was going somewhere. “But it’s okay.” Old man Sonny would watch over me. Oh he sure did. I remember his short, old, phillipino silhouette in the darkness of the night. His right cheek bone stuck out wicked, it was broken or something. I remember him hovering over me whispering, “it’s okay,” as he slowly pulled my blankets off of me. I felt them uncover my chest, then my belly, then my legs, and my feet. I remember him breathing on me and pulling my shorts down. I remember him touching me. Then, blackout. Neither did I. Until Michigan. 

Brooklyn Bob . He climbed into my bed when I was sleeping. I woke to his fingers inside me. Two of them. In two inappropriate places. His beer smelled slobber licking my neck and whispering in my ear. “You gotta give it to me sometime.” I threw him off of me and said, “No, I don’t want to. Stop.” He slurred, “Fuck you.” and left the room. I slept in fear for two more nights. I bought a one way ticket to Portland, Maine and said goodbye to Michigan. I will NEVER go back there. 

So here I sit in Freedom, New Hampshire. It’s the last town in New Hampshire on the border of Maine. I’m about two hours from my kids. I’m living with my friend Zachariah and his 17 year old daughter Abbie. She’s a little dark and twisty but she’s a sweetheart and we’re bonding. So here I sit, building my art webpage, being creative, sketching, painting, blogging, book writing and working on a journey to self discovery and healing. I am mostly happy. I am working hard on acceptance, knowing my worth, owning my power and letting go of Keith Falman. I yearn for love and passion. I yearn for happiness. I have faith I will have all of these things. 

“I wish I could wake up with amnesia so i could forget about the stupid little things.”

“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.”

“We cannot become what we want by remaining what they are.” 

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. Do the thing you think you can not do.” 

In this letter, I placed blame. I was in a dark place - in survivor mode, in flight response - RUNNING. In this letter you read about some traumatic shit. I learned the appreciation of home. New England. My friends I missed dearly. What was I thinking? I thought i'd take a job for the winter to rebuild my life and come back to fight for my kids. I was not stabalized with my medication, I had stopped therapy that I had been doing weekly for months I surpressed my emotions. I told myself and everyone around me that it was HIS fault. My stalker. I feared for my life, I didn't feel safe. Thing is, i belived the stories I created in my head. I didn't know this at the time. I was a mess. I had just been abandoned by what I called my "BIG LOVE." I destroyed my relationship with my best friend(stalker) - who had my back no matter what. I was in the process of coming off of Welbutrin and Paxil. If you look up the process of coming off these meds, you will see that the side effects cause severe mental instability. All the while, I was starting a new medication - Venlafaxine. Mind you, I was terrified of this medication. My ex took this. When not taken in a consistent, routine manner - along with alcohol abuse - this man beat me. Shit. 

As I've gone through therapy and started my healing process - i realized the blame, those flame throwers, that i had placed in an unhealthy, irrational manner. I told myself I was leaving for my safety; that i couldn't heal here anymore and I needed to leave for a while. You reap what you sow. Michigan SUCKED. But brought me friendship, clarity and gratitude. I am home. I didn't leave because of my stalker. He wasn't completely innocent in the matters, but I was a mental mind fuck, not in the right state of mind and acted out of anger, impulse and brattiness. I am stubborn. Very. Then when I make those decisions - bad ones - I find a way to justify it in my head - literally manipulating myself - so that I feel OK with the choices I made. Truth is, I was struggling from addiction and a broke heart. I saw pain everywhere I went. So i blamed Justin. This caused issues getting my parenting time as well. So since I've been home, i have spent literally every day working on healing. I see a therapist weekly, I see a spiritual healer, and I self teach. I refuse to be anything less than the very best version of myself. For my babies. For me. I had to literally want to change who i was. It's not an easy process. It's like this - you're hitting yourself on the head with a hammer over and over and over - literally living the definition of insanity. You can make the choice to take the hammer away - but the wound is still there. Medication is not an end all be all or permanent magic fix it pill. It helps, but is just a band aid. There's so much more work you can do on yourself to enhance the quality of your healing. And it's so worth it. I'm coming for you my babies - because mommy finally has nothing to lose, no obstacles. No toxicity. Just a heart full of love and an eagerness to share it. 

Mahalo :)