Let yourself change and grow - HERMIT

 Melody Beattie - More Language of letting go - April 11th - Page 116

There are lots of hermit crabs in tide pools; interesting creatures. A hermit crab will find a shell that fits him, put it on, and live in it. After a while, he grows and the shell no longer fits. So the crab scurries along the sea floor and finds another shell to live in. He crawls out of his first shell and into the shell that fits his new needs. This scene repeats itself again and again throughout his life. 

Learn a lesson from the hermit crabs.

Just because a decision was right for you yesterday doesn't mean it meets your needs today. People grow. People change. And sometimes we have to let our safelittle places go, in order to grow and change. 

Are you holding on to something that doesn't work anymore, just because it's safe and what you know? It could be a behavior pattern - such as feeling victimized in all your relationships or wearing yourself out trying to control what you can't. 

Thank the lessons, people and places of the past for all they've taught you. THank your survival behaviors for helping you cope. Forgive yourself for the survival traits you picked up while enduring trauma!

There's nothing wrong with feeling comfortable and safe. But don't get so comfortable that you can't let go and move on when it's time. IF the walls are too confining and limiting and you're feeling stuck and bored, maybe it's time to get out and find a new shell. THere's another shell waiting that will fit you netter, but you can't move into it until you leave this one behind. 

"Spirit, show me the behaviors, things, people and places that i've outgrown. Then give me the faith to let go."

Hard calls and Mental illness

 Sometimes we make choices with relative ease. One option feels right. We have no negative feelings about the other choice. On some occasions, we may be faced with a hard call. 

I'm sure we can all identify a hard call we've had to make in our lives. Many. It can be even more difficult if you suffer from any mental health illness or barrier. When making an important decision, I personally struggle quite a bit sometimes. 

I am an empath, so I tend to be understanding of other peoples perspectives even if they don't mirror mine. I have anxiety, CPTSD, Bipolar 1, ADHD and OCD. I have to sit on decisions for some time and overanalyze them and overthink them and then observe my mental state when coming to a decision. My free spirit doesn't always like this type of structural thinking, however, with consistent mental health work, recovery, therapy, stabilized medications, sobriety and a good support system, i've found that the act of making good, clear, sound decisions comes with less work lately. It really is possible to retrain your brain. 

What you think about, you bring about!

I do not like to make a decision when malnourished and dehydrated because my ADHD and OCD have me on a roll with getting things done and the arting and the daily to dos of life, I will forget to eat or drink water for 2 or 3 days. I become weak and emotional and irritable. Not a good time to make a hard call decision, or any decisions for that matter other than to get my shit together and take better care of myself! haha. 

With the Bipolar 1, I have many days that are stable and clear minded and focused. Some days I struggle with depression or as i call it, "feeling all my sad feelings." These days are not all bad if you don't stay there for too long. It's good to allow yourself to feel the pain you've endured. It's healthy and healing to let out a good cry or scream. Still not a good day to make decisions LOL. Those are more likely to be out of anger, sadness, resentment and can be irrational or selfish. 

On the other side of the Bipolar spectrum, there's Mania and Hypomania

ma·ni·a

/ˈmānēə/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. mental illness marked by periods of great excitement or euphoria, delusions, and overactivity.

Well...the word DELUSIONS alone tells you not to make decisions in this state of mind. This one can be particularly difficult. You're "feeling all your happy feelings," energetic, pissing sunshine basically. You're feeling less insecure, more powerful and hyper. You are less capable of calming yourself down and walking through a decision with all necessary tools needed to think it out with a sound mind. Similar situation with hypomania. 

hy·po·ma·ni·a

/ˌhīpəˈmānēə/

Learn to pronounce

noun

PSYCHIATRY

noun: hypomania

1. a mild form of mania, marked by elation and hyperactivity.

These decisions are usually made impulsively. 

So when you find yourself in a situation - and you WILL - where a hard call needs to be made - take a personal inventory. Does this make me feel good? Is this ethical? Does anything bad happen? Does anyone get hurt? Do I get hurt? Why am i making this decision? Is this important to me? How does it make me feel? And the list goes on. 

A hard call is when we don't like either choice, but one option is unacceptable. Hard calls can take many shapes and forms. We may love someone who has a serious drinking problem and simply decide we can't live with him or her. Despite how we feel about the person. We may love someone who has physically, mentally, emotionally abused us or displayed signs of violent behavior; while OUR feelings may be genuine, so is the danger. I had to leave a man i was still crazy about and went through the toughest heartbreak of my life because I did not like who I was when I was with him or the choices I made;  nor the way he treated and manipulated me and used me. That was a HARD CALL. A big one. 

Hard calls are part of life. They force us to examine our values and determine what's genuinely important to us. They insist that we choose the path that's in our highest good. 

And that hard call led me to new love and lessons learned that I would not take back if given the option. You grow through what you go through. 

Spirit,

"When I am faced with a tough decision, help me be gentle with myself and others as i sort out, with your help, what's right for me."

Peace. Love. Art

                    

Know your limits

 While it's good to be compassionate, we can become overly compassionate, too. Don't work so hard at not judging other people that you forgot to pay attention to what you don't like. 

"I know what it feels like to be abandoned and left. I don't like the feeling, so i'm not going to leave the people in my life." While I was living with an abusive man, emotional, mental and physical. 

"I need to be compassionate and non judgemental, He's had a hard life. He's had loss. I'm all he's got left." 

You can set boundaries with someone, without judging that person. You can decide that behaviors are inappropriate and hurt you, without condemning that person. 

Don't forget you have a right to say, "ouch." 

We can say whatever with compassion and still take care of ourselves. This is a very difficult thing, and even more so when you struggle from mental health issues. As i've mentioned before, I have Bipolar1, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and OCD. So in order to achieve "knowing my limits" I need to have a routine and go to therapy twice a week and practice self care. It isn't easy, but it isn't impossible.

" Spirit, help me set appropriate limits with people in my life." 

Learning to deal with manipulation

 " Even if you understand and follow all of the rules for more effectively engaging manipulators, life with them is not likely to be easy."

Sometimes they want something. Sometimes they want someone. Sometimes they want someone to give them something or feel a particular way. They want power, in some way, shape or form. Manipulators pray on weak spots. 

Obsession and guilt are weapons. 

Manipulators get us to use these weapons on ourselves. 

Sometimes we can disengage from maWe may have a parent whom we care about deeplt who has adapted manipulation as a way of life. 

Learn how to affectively deal with manipulators. Not everyone means what they say and says what they mean. People fling words about, to hit our guilty, vain, or frighten spots. Recognize that tinge of guilt or coercion you feel when other people are trying to force you to do it their way. Learn to recognize when others are telling you what they believe you want to hear. Learn to not react, stay clear, practice nonresistance, and stay true to yourself. This is even more difficult when you are an empath. 

Be gentle with yourself, if you have a manipulator in your life. You're not responsible for the other persons attempts at manipulation. You're responsible for staying clear. 

"Help me let go of the weak spots in myself that allow me to fall prey to manipulations. Help me stay clear of guilt and obsession so I can decide what's best for me."

MANIPULATION - First you must recognize it

 " Herein lies an irony: the person who is trying to manipulate you views you as having greater strength or power than he or she does." 

Manipulation is an encounter in which someone else attempts to control how you feel, behave, or think - without our permission - and it causes you discomfort as a result. 

Most of us use manipulation, from time to time, to get what we want. Sometimes our manipulations are harmless, even cute. Both people know a low grade manipulation is at hand. Both people basically want what the manipulator is working so hard to get - dinner out, a movie, a walk through the park. It's not a big deal. 

Other times, the stakes are higher and the people involved don't agree. That's when manipulations can be harmful. When we don't know what we want, when we're not clear with others and ourselves about how we feel, a manipulation is in the air. 

Sometimes manipulations are conscious and deliberate. Other times, they're unconscious, foggy attempts to get what we want. 

Let's simplify our definition of manipulation. If an encounter leaves you feeling crummy, it probably involves manipulation of some sort. 

Isn't it ironic that sometimes the very feeling we're trying to deny is exactly what we need to be feeling to take care of ourselves?

Next time you're faced with a situation that leaves you feeling crummy, take a moment to see if manipulation was involved. Remember that when other try to manipulate you, they perceive you as having something they want and as being more powerful than they are. If you're powerful enough to be a target for manipulation, you're powerful enough to take care of yourself. 

Neutralize conflicts

 Melody Beattie - more language of letting go. 

Unless you want a fight or an argument, don't give anything to push against. 

Here is a key to harmonizing with people who are upset or have a point of view different from your own. Stay so relaxed when you talk to them that you allow yourself to empathize with how they think and feel. THat doesn't mean that you give in to peoples every whim. It means, instead, that you are so clear and focused that you can genuinely let other people be who they are. 

It's both naive and egotistical to think that everyone thinks and feels the same as us. It's ridiculous to believe that everyone will agree with our point of view. One of the true signs of a person who is growing consciousness is that he or she recognizes that each person has individual motives , desires and feelings. 

Instead of meeting a verbal attack with a verbal counter attack you respond first by coming around to your attackers point of view, seeing the situation from his or her viewpoint. 

BLEND to deal with verbal confrontations in our daily lives. The response, whether physical or verbal, is quite disarming, leaving the attacker with no target to focus on. It's a means by which you can multiply your options in responding to any kind of attack. If the person espousing his or her point of view is just trying to get us to react or has no desire for reconciliation, we can still neutralize the conflict by staying relaxed, letting the other person be and responding by saying, "hmmm." It's a polite way of saying, "whatever" when expressing your disagreement would only lead to a senseless fight. At the least, you'll become a great conversationalist, a respectable art to be acquired. At best, you'll bring about peace in your corner of the world. 

Don't let anger control your life. Hate is heavy, LET IT GO

Some Melody Beattie, some ME. 

 My past relationships, the men I was with were tyrant. Their anger controlled most of my moves. When they got angry, they exploded in rage. Things got broken, and they carried on as if nothing happened. The rage terrified me. 

I've never done well with anger. It brings me emotional flashbacks not only of other but of the rage i've had within myself. I spent a great deal of my life walking on eggshells. I committed to men that I allowed to completely control me by the mere threat of his rage. 

Whether we call them rageaholics, tyrants, bullies, assholes, or whatever foul words we may have in our minds when we think about these people; a lot of people in our world get their way by being mean. We may find ourselves instinctively walking on eggshells around these people, praying to God we don't set them off. 

Anger is a powerful emotion. But we don't have to let anybody else's rage take control of our lives. If somebody you know or love is a bully or tyrant, don't take it our on yourself. Trust me, I'm my own worst critic. No one is harder on me than ME. I take things personally that I shouldn't and I always assume it's my fault. But when you begin to heal, you redirect these feelings in a healthy manner and realize you are accountable for some things, but many things are not your fault. This is learned, unhealthy behavior that you picked up from abuse. 

Stop walking on eggshells and letting heir rage control your every step. Instead of taking on their problem, try something different. Step out of your comfort zone. What you've been doing isn't working for you so it's time to change. Stand up for yourself. 

How do you deal with anger? Does somebody in your life use anger as a way of controlling you? It may be time to let go of your fear of setting people off. Don't poke the bear. Pick your battles. Let it go. 

If you are in a dangerous situation, then by all means, get out, If you are just allowing yourself to be controlled by the fear of an emotional outburst, then learn to say WHATEVER when someone spouts off. Don't give them the satisfaction of a reaction to their toxic behavior.